I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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