mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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