please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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