bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
