I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
