I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
