Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
