living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
