he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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