Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
