I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
