Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
