I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
