the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
ok first of all what the fuck
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
