He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
