i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
