i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
