Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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