Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
