I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
