I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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