The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
