The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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