Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
