1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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