With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
