People in love make me want to vomit
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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