He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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