I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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