do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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