cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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