I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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