my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
