please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
