I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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