he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
