You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
