Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
its liver damage thursday
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
