idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
