Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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