Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He kissed a someone with a penis
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
