What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
