I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
