the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Randomize
