i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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