Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
