i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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