you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
