She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
