You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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