When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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