Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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