Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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