Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
