I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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