we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
