I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
